Move Over, Lisa. Here I Come!
I sit here tonight frustrated and numb. Staring at my computer screen hoping it will bestow some wisdom on me through this window to the web of knowledge.
I feel great sadness in this moment wondering if my dreams are to ever come to fruition; wondering if that glass fucking ceiling will ever shatter. It is still there after all my inner work. It is still there after all my meditations and prayers to the Universe. It still exists, at least for me, and has made it very clear this week when I was catapulted into it face-first while reaching for the stars.
GET OUT OF MY WAY!!! I want to expand! I want to grow!
I’m tired of these limitations that squash my dreams, then my soul. Okay, okay, so this must be my life’s journey. Ha! Funny. I thought it was so much more than just learning to get out of my own way. I thought it was to spread love and joy, silly me. I’m depleted. I’ve got nothing. I’ve lost faith.
What do you do when two of your most important dreams appear stuck? If you know me or have read my blog you know that these two undertakings have been part of my journey, my daily life’s mission for at least four years:
- Publishing my book Living Small & Being Whole, which I just scrapped and am starting over. Yeah.
- My local coffeehouse locator app that is proving to be a major challenge.
You see it, don’t you? I do, too … that I need to move over and let these things succeed, because they will. Both projects are from the heart and can change people’s lives. … and it scares the shit out of me. I think that this fear stops me, even sabotages me.
My theme this year is relationships. This sounds like a separate issue, but it has everything to do with my fears and self-defeating behaviors. Read on.
I desire to deepen my relationships with friends whom I’ve lost touch with over my last few years of being in the road. Traveling on the road is my happy place. It is fun and fulfilling, but it is also distracting enough to constantly lead me away from deep, meaningful, long term community engagement.
Deepening my relationships is written on my whiteboard in my office at the top of my goals this year, bold and colorful. As I read it, comes the concept of grounding: a foundation, a platform, a stillness, and roots. There is much growth to experience here. It is a journey of a very different type for me. Am I ready for it?
“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know”. ~Pema Chodron
The Glass Ceiling “Bonk”: I thought it was about the book and the app, but it’s really about loving and accepting myself. Only then can I give fully from the heart with love and trust the journey.
I’ve forgiven myself and people around me for so many things over the last several years. Old boyfriend issues, lost friends, family BS, etc. It is freeing. What I discovered tonight is that there is some recent build-up of self-judgment around my entrepreneurial ventures … and it’s not old residue.
It is new, thick, gooey and slippery with the promise of “stickablility” if I don’t move quickly. Think of pouring a new sidewalk with some wet concrete. It is easy to move around when first made, but once it sets there is no moving – unless a jackhammer is involved.
You are reading this in the present: I’ve just processed this full circle from desperate to hopeful. That’s how it works 🙂 Allow the fear, the anger come forward. Feel it fully, then seek resolve. Apply and move onward. Life is just too damn short.
That cosmic “Bonk” made me aware that it is time to forgive myself for my recent self-judgments that have me trapped and look for options. What else is possible?